| I usually think that relaying things I wrote in my journal is tacky, but I don't know. I just kind of feel like it right now. And it's not just a "LOL WHAT I DID TODAY," kind of thing. so let's see... "7/18 Friday Last night I went to the Dsark Knight premiere and when I got home at 315 AM, dead tired, lying in my bed I was suddenly afraid. So afraid that my eyes were wide open for an hour before I finally fell asleep. I wasn't scared of Batman or anything in my closet. I had the real fear in me. The fear of the universe, of the death of the world. Not really so much my personal life's end, although that did cross my mind, but the ruthless passing of time that would render the deaths of all of my descendents and my fellow humans. And then after us, the final end to the earth in the bursting of our sun, that which gives us life but will deliver everything humans have ever known to the grave- the endless, dark grave of an unforgiving universe. There is no good or bad, I believe. Only nature. Politics is driven by the irrepressible genetic necessity to keep our species alive. Politics is people fighting for the best way to do it. And looking at the world from my omniscient post laying down beside my curtained window, I wondered at the usual person who looks back on their life and is warm, purely happy inside because of the children she had and raised, the family she loved. But what does that child and family matter in teh scheme of things? They are not even a blip on the radar in the history and future of the earth, not to mention the universe. What we are taught to look forward to is pointless. There is nothing and there will be nothing. And I kept trying to conjure an image of the soul of the universe, of the collectiveness of huan souls and the souls of any material object in existence all in harmony, all helping the universe pulse, its heartbeat. But all of my comoforting images fell flat. Lying still in a deeply tired state of mind is when things like that deep fear of the beyond come to me. How can I be happy when I feel like we are alone and each of our lives is a single brilliant flash of light in a universe unlimited by time in its infiniteness, its eternity. Now, however, in the daylight, as I function and go about my day I can be comforted by imates of a collective soul, etc. Perhaps things like that can only come to you when the conscious thinking part of your brain is the only part not yet asleep. Then you can think of the hopelessness of the world. But when I walk around, eat, talk, pee, bleed, do my human motions, it's like a machine whirring to life and in order to keep the machine going, fear must be deadened, and so it's easier to hope for things like souls and purposes. Another thing I was thinking last night was about things like God. Riddled with an acidic, overwhelming fear as I was, I nearly cried for all the believers out there. For how can they reject the possibility of a God? For all that would remain for them is the ineveitable hopelessness, the ruthless and unforgiving nature of the universe, withinn which they are insignificant, to whose plight the universe is indifferent. I understand Christians and I know if I ever become one then I have succumbed to the denial I am determined to keep at bay. I must be true to myeslf, no matter how easy it would be to delude myself just for some peace of mind. That's why I didn't like Memento- the main character purposefully lied to himself so he would hace something to live for. It's never too late to change your purpose in life, I think." ... It went on to talk about "meaningless human things," but that's the gist of the seriousness. And I seriously doubt anyone read this. But I'm glad I wrote it nonetheless. |
